Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sometimes I really question my own sanity.
I mean, I have managed to make it through a shit load of years on what I can only guess is survival mode, because I have certainly made some piss poor choices that have lead me into some pretty shit ass situations.
That being said however, I think the majority of the damage was perpetrated upon my own person. I mean, I don't think that I was ever intentionally cruel, I was never a bully that's for sure, and the hurt I inflicted...well, let's just say that on the scale of damage people do to each other, I think I still fit in the lower end of the rankings. At least I hope that I do. I suppose if you were to ask the people I have hurt, you may get a slightly different answer, but I really do think that for the most part, I've been a pretty decent person when it came to the handling of others. I know that most of the time I tried to put the feelings of others if not first, at least I'm pretty sure I considered them at the same time as my own, and I really do think that I imagined what some of the things I did or said would feel like were the shoe on the other foot, and I hope that I made different choices because of that thought process.
So when I add all that up (and bare in mind that math is NOT my strong suit) I wonder where the fuck this Karmic debt I seem to have incurred comes from.
I must have really pissed someone off a few lifetimes ago, because I swear some days I may as well be a goddamned maggot on the corpse of a two week old dog in the ditch.
Now don't get me wrong.
I'm not a victim.
And I am fully responsible for the choices that I make, and the people that I choose to make those choices with or around.
But... holy fuck.
Some days I just wonder if perhaps my intelligence is sub simian, because I seem to make the same choices over and over again.
I fall for the same bullshit stories, and with only slight variations each time, I keep getting my heart run over by emotional dump trucks.
I am drawn to the same people.
I make the same poor choices in friends and lovers.
I do.
And so I guess that's why today (actually this started yesterday) I'm wondering if there isn't something severely wrong with my ability to make choices about things and people.
Because it can't be everyone else, can it?
I mean I am driving this bus, at least most of the time, right?
So either I'm a moron, or I owe like 98% interest on a several million dollar Karmic debt, or...
I'm crazy.

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