Saturday, December 19, 2009

With the Good comes the bad

My last blog was full of Christmas-type joy, and the happiness of reconnecting with old, best friends and how that was more than a good enough present for me.

I should have known.

I should have been watching over my shoulder for that shitty surprise that seems to lurk over my shoulder right around the time the good thing is happening. (I feel like I'm in an episode of "My Name is Earl except I could never pull off that sexy 'stache Jason Lee sports.)

It may sound like I'm whining, and maybe I am, but I'm entitled, plus it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

I guess because I had finally stated to dip my toe into that pool of belief where when something good happens, more good will follow.

It seems I forgot that people can be hurtful and cruel, and promises are seldom ever kept, and trust should really be a four letter word, because it sure shows up as much as fuck does in my vocabulary, and though I can do it, fuck as a positive adjective is hard to pull off on a regular basis. Believe me, I try.

I spent a lot of years building up those walls that keep people out, that it takes a big effort to let someone in, and in the last few relationships and even some friendships, I have found I would have been better off leaving the door into my life and my heart sealed shut.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe the worst of most people and even over the internet I have made some good, strong friendships with people whose hearts are pure, whose honesty is truth, and whose friendship is a gift.

I am truly grateful for those friends, because I would have been stranded (emotionally and other ways) for the last two years were it not for them.

Then there are those, that for whatever reason seem unable to be honest, to keep their word, or to be the kind of friend that is kind, and cares about other people's feelings as well as their own, not putting one before the other.

I've gone back to therapy again, somewhere I will probably need to stay in for the rest of my life, because I feel like all the work I did with my last therapist around the issue of trust and letting people in got lost somewhere along the way. I need much more than a refresher course.

And I need to tend to the heart that was so filled with happiness the other day. It feels a little broken again.

End pity pot pontification.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm writing a blog!!!

It's been months, I know, and I really don't have any excuse since I haven't been working, or really doing much of anything but being sick. I haven't been out with my camera (for shame, I know)and like I said, I have not been posting blogs either. I have been writing, I just never feel like posting them.

I thought I'd post this one because it fits with the season, which unfortunately seems to be the one time of year when people remember to be a little kinder and gentler, to give a little more to those in need, and a time to celebrate the love of family and friends.

I'm not a big Christmas person.

I don't put up a tree or anything, and last Christmas it was me, my cats, and the movie channel. I don't have a large extended family, so there isn't much of a reason to put up a big Christmas to do. Plus, I'm usually so broke I can't even afford the less expensive, more meaningful gifts.

We have a small dinner, exchange small presents, but Christmas always feels like a child's holiday to me.

I do love to see the children's eyes light up when Santa is mentioned,for once in a year I love the sound of thundering feet as the kids who have already had too many Christmas treats and are running and bouncing off the walls ( Although that sounds like a Friday night at the bar to me..)which is where you do the celebrating with people from work, or social groups get together, or you spend it with friends.
I don't go out, I don't really drink, and most of my friends are married with kids, or just married or dating someone or have their own family plans.

So, there is a good chance I will spend Christmas with my Cats eating Mandarin oranges and watching on demand videos.

Now it may sound like I'm whining, but I'm not. I expect this to be one of the best Christmases in a few...

I have reconnected with a very, very good friend. In fact, I'd say she was my best friend. We haven't seen each other in near 20 years, but when she picked up the phone the other night it was like no time had passed at all. We laughed at the same things we always did, we told stories about the bad(ass) old days and the people we know, we talked about everything you can cram into an hour and a half after a decade or so.

The best part of all of it is that she will be out here for Christmas, and we will get to see each other for the first time in forever.

My mood has gone from melancholy to super-excited. I feel like a kid at Christmas again, and even though there will be no big presents, there will be lots of conversation and as many laughs and hugs as we can cram into a visit or two.

There can't be a better Christmas present than that, can there?

I feel the twinkle in my own eye when I think about the best present I've gotten in many, many Christmases.

Thank you, Santa.

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There's not much to know. Well, what there is to know is really not for sharing. Ever.