My last blog was full of Christmas-type joy, and the happiness of reconnecting with old, best friends and how that was more than a good enough present for me.
I should have known.
I should have been watching over my shoulder for that shitty surprise that seems to lurk over my shoulder right around the time the good thing is happening. (I feel like I'm in an episode of "My Name is Earl except I could never pull off that sexy 'stache Jason Lee sports.)
It may sound like I'm whining, and maybe I am, but I'm entitled, plus it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.
I guess because I had finally stated to dip my toe into that pool of belief where when something good happens, more good will follow.
It seems I forgot that people can be hurtful and cruel, and promises are seldom ever kept, and trust should really be a four letter word, because it sure shows up as much as fuck does in my vocabulary, and though I can do it, fuck as a positive adjective is hard to pull off on a regular basis. Believe me, I try.
I spent a lot of years building up those walls that keep people out, that it takes a big effort to let someone in, and in the last few relationships and even some friendships, I have found I would have been better off leaving the door into my life and my heart sealed shut.
Don't get me wrong, I don't believe the worst of most people and even over the internet I have made some good, strong friendships with people whose hearts are pure, whose honesty is truth, and whose friendship is a gift.
I am truly grateful for those friends, because I would have been stranded (emotionally and other ways) for the last two years were it not for them.
Then there are those, that for whatever reason seem unable to be honest, to keep their word, or to be the kind of friend that is kind, and cares about other people's feelings as well as their own, not putting one before the other.
I've gone back to therapy again, somewhere I will probably need to stay in for the rest of my life, because I feel like all the work I did with my last therapist around the issue of trust and letting people in got lost somewhere along the way. I need much more than a refresher course.
And I need to tend to the heart that was so filled with happiness the other day. It feels a little broken again.
End pity pot pontification.