Goobye my friend.

It has taken me almost a month to write this.
It took me more than two weeks to find out.
She was my mentor.
She taught me to shoot a Canon instead of a Nikon.
She was my friend.
I cried enough tears to fills a thousand flower vases.
I will miss her.
Good bye, Charlene.

THE Blog

There is a blog that has been rattling around in my head for almost 2 years now, and I keep starting it and finding that I get to a certain point and *BANG* it just dies.
I either run out of words to say, or it just gets too personal therefore making it too hard, or it just seems to go on and on and on and I'm sure that no one will have the patience or the interest to read my humongous ramble of a blog. I keep saying I'm going to write it, nay PROMISE I'm going to write it, and you can usually tell by the post dates that I write a bit at a time and then leave it alone again.
Instead of going off on the big blog here, I'm going to let anyone who is still reading me know that I am still alive, and while I'm not going to write a resolution or a bucket blog, I am going to kick 2010 in the as and move on to 2011 with a better attitude and an attempt to improve my health as much as I can, all the while writing THE blog bit by bit. I know that it needs to come out, even if it's only for me and me alone. You can continue to read and see if the blog makes it out, but I know this...this year will be a better year than the last one.
I have made other promises to myself as well.
I will get my camera out more often.
I will go back to the gym.
I will find a job that fulfills me.
I will write more often.
I will try harder to be a more social person and spend less time alone inside my own head.
I will keep moving forward.
These are the best things I can do.
I will write THE Blog.

Lately a lot of people I know are having kids, or their kids are starting to send their kids to school and they have all their cute stories about first days of kindergarten and their cute little things their little ones say on the way to school, or at the dinner table after the first day.
I know that most of you who read me also read Buddha Mama and we all followed her pregnancy and now the first year of their new and second little ones life. Of course Mama has lots of funny stories, funny blogs about the new dancing baby and Cracky, who is so funny that her blogs about him are enough to make me snort like a laughing pig.
I once wrote in a comment of one of Buddha Mama's blog that her stories about her son ( how does she end up with the hilarious children's stories she puts out good babies) and I said that her Cracky stories made my uterus ache.
I chose not to have children, so I suppose my withering uterus is my own fault, and the time to have a baby has passed me by, I think, as I don't want to be 60 taking my kid to his or her first day of school....
But for the first time I am seriously thinking I may have made a mistake when I decided not to have a baby.
The tumbleweeds rolling through my deserted town of a uterus are a little noisier than they have in the past.
Then again,I am happy being a godmother to 5 or 6 kids,an Aunt to two nephews, and I am always happy to spend time with the little ones, fill them up with pop, give them loud toys, and send them home full of sugar and energy.
I am always relieved to get them out of my house so that I can sit in the quiet with my cats and remember why I never had kids of my own.(stop it with the crazy cat lady jokes, please
Aunts and Grandmas are the ones that you let spoil their family little ones as we have earned the right to spoil them, Grandmas because they went through having and raising your sister or your brother and they are now the Queen Mother of the family. Aunts had to put up with you siblings all our childhood, which means we are entitled to give your kids some chocolate, or snack til their bellies are full, and then send them home to you all jacked up.
Thinking of that, I have let my nephews do some not so Motherly things, but we sure have a good time breaking all Mummy's rules.
Maybe it's not the tumbleweeds that are making the noise, it's the sound of thundering feet that belong to your now hyped up, over excited little ones that will now have Auntie Lori stories to tell. Maybe they will even be cute or funny, and not just about all the Chocolate I gave them.
I will gladly watch them for the day.
Do they like Coke or Pepsi better? Drums?
Hmm.. perhaps my uterus is not so lonesome and dried out after all.

To my 17 followers

I have a new blog site, a place I am blogging with two very humourus other women. I'll still blog here, but this page will probably end up being on the more serious side.
So come on over to read some funny stuff instead of hanging out here and reading the depressing stuff.

http://threefunnychicks.blogspot.com/


Cheers! See you over there.

Lori

With the Good comes the bad

My last blog was full of Christmas-type joy, and the happiness of reconnecting with old, best friends and how that was more than a good enough present for me.

I should have known.

I should have been watching over my shoulder for that shitty surprise that seems to lurk over my shoulder right around the time the good thing is happening. (I feel like I'm in an episode of "My Name is Earl except I could never pull off that sexy 'stache Jason Lee sports.)

It may sound like I'm whining, and maybe I am, but I'm entitled, plus it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

I guess because I had finally stated to dip my toe into that pool of belief where when something good happens, more good will follow.

It seems I forgot that people can be hurtful and cruel, and promises are seldom ever kept, and trust should really be a four letter word, because it sure shows up as much as fuck does in my vocabulary, and though I can do it, fuck as a positive adjective is hard to pull off on a regular basis. Believe me, I try.

I spent a lot of years building up those walls that keep people out, that it takes a big effort to let someone in, and in the last few relationships and even some friendships, I have found I would have been better off leaving the door into my life and my heart sealed shut.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe the worst of most people and even over the internet I have made some good, strong friendships with people whose hearts are pure, whose honesty is truth, and whose friendship is a gift.

I am truly grateful for those friends, because I would have been stranded (emotionally and other ways) for the last two years were it not for them.

Then there are those, that for whatever reason seem unable to be honest, to keep their word, or to be the kind of friend that is kind, and cares about other people's feelings as well as their own, not putting one before the other.

I've gone back to therapy again, somewhere I will probably need to stay in for the rest of my life, because I feel like all the work I did with my last therapist around the issue of trust and letting people in got lost somewhere along the way. I need much more than a refresher course.

And I need to tend to the heart that was so filled with happiness the other day. It feels a little broken again.

End pity pot pontification.

I'm writing a blog!!!

It's been months, I know, and I really don't have any excuse since I haven't been working, or really doing much of anything but being sick. I haven't been out with my camera (for shame, I know)and like I said, I have not been posting blogs either. I have been writing, I just never feel like posting them.

I thought I'd post this one because it fits with the season, which unfortunately seems to be the one time of year when people remember to be a little kinder and gentler, to give a little more to those in need, and a time to celebrate the love of family and friends.

I'm not a big Christmas person.

I don't put up a tree or anything, and last Christmas it was me, my cats, and the movie channel. I don't have a large extended family, so there isn't much of a reason to put up a big Christmas to do. Plus, I'm usually so broke I can't even afford the less expensive, more meaningful gifts.

We have a small dinner, exchange small presents, but Christmas always feels like a child's holiday to me.

I do love to see the children's eyes light up when Santa is mentioned,for once in a year I love the sound of thundering feet as the kids who have already had too many Christmas treats and are running and bouncing off the walls ( Although that sounds like a Friday night at the bar to me..)which is where you do the celebrating with people from work, or social groups get together, or you spend it with friends.
I don't go out, I don't really drink, and most of my friends are married with kids, or just married or dating someone or have their own family plans.

So, there is a good chance I will spend Christmas with my Cats eating Mandarin oranges and watching on demand videos.

Now it may sound like I'm whining, but I'm not. I expect this to be one of the best Christmases in a few...

I have reconnected with a very, very good friend. In fact, I'd say she was my best friend. We haven't seen each other in near 20 years, but when she picked up the phone the other night it was like no time had passed at all. We laughed at the same things we always did, we told stories about the bad(ass) old days and the people we know, we talked about everything you can cram into an hour and a half after a decade or so.

The best part of all of it is that she will be out here for Christmas, and we will get to see each other for the first time in forever.

My mood has gone from melancholy to super-excited. I feel like a kid at Christmas again, and even though there will be no big presents, there will be lots of conversation and as many laughs and hugs as we can cram into a visit or two.

There can't be a better Christmas present than that, can there?

I feel the twinkle in my own eye when I think about the best present I've gotten in many, many Christmases.

Thank you, Santa.